“In this hour, I do not believe that any darkness will endure.”
My fellow Americans,
I humbly accept the position of forty-seventh president of these great United States, even though I can only name ten of them: all the famous ones, plus Delaware where I grew up, and Maryland and Virginia because my parents took me on that road trip one time. But I promise by the end of these four years I will learn all their names. I have to or I’ll fail the fifth grade.
Mrs. Wilshire tells me I have made history by capturing the biggest percent of the popular vote in history. I promise that we will not stop there. We will keep making history, and it will be the fun kind of history, so no child has to read boring stuff in a social studies book again. From now on, things around here are going to be cool and fun, like things ought to be.
No one in our country should have to live in fear. That’s why my first mission while in office is to place a night light in every room. I don’t know how expensive that will be yet, so I can’t promise if they’ll have cool colors or fun shapes. But nobody in our country will have to go to sleep scared, no matter where they are, with this new plan.
Once we have that settled, I will place a ban on homework for children of all ages, and extend the dates that ice cream trucks are operational to be year-round. I will work with both bodies of congress to pass a bipartisan law requiring you to let your little brother use the good PlayStation controller once in a while, and I promise to finally appoint some real kangaroos to the Supreme Court. I think a kangaroo should be president, too, but they’re all born in Australia so that’s never going to happen unless you guys change the rules again.
I will end my inauguration speech by thanking the American people for putting their trust in me. We all want to make the world a better place, so what are you waiting for? Your President says it’s time to stop listening to boring speeches and go out and play! Yes, now! Everybody leave, I want to go build a snowman on my new lawn. Actually you can come too, if you want.
Okay. Bye.
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